Relationship Violence
Have you watched the Oprah show in which Susan describes how her husband began the process of verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and then physically abusing her? Did you know that he involved their three children in the abuse? In fact, her husband used to tape record his abuse so that he could listen to it later. One afternoon in 2003, when he couldn't find his tape recorder, her husband, Ulner, told their thirteen year old son to videotape the abuse. The beating that Susan suffered at the hands of her husband was videotaped by her thirteen year old son and watched by her eight year old son. The first forty minutes of the video included Ulmer screaming at his wife and threatening her with physical violence. The last ten minutes of the video involved him kicking, punching, and slapping his wife. Unbelievably, during the videotaped session, the thirteen year old son was also heard making comments in support of his father's actions. Susan stated that all of her children were brainwashed by her husband into disrespecting her. Despite this, she did not blame her children; she believes that they did what they needed to do to survive in the household.
So how did Susan leave? Susan had a friend who to me is a hero. Susan's boss and friend Lynne had suspected that her friend Susan was being abused. She saw physical evidence of abuse and she heard Susan calling her husband "Master" on the phone. Because of this, she kept careful notes at work about what she saw happening to Susan on a regular basis. For example, if she saw Susan with a black eye on November 4, she would note the evidence on her calendar. This ended up being very important, because when Susan's husband was later prosecuted, this evidence that Lynne had been systematically taking was the evidence that got Ulmer 36 years in prison. Even though the videotape was important, it only would have given him a misdemeanor assault punishable by one year in jail. Documentation of abuse is so important.
I wanted to lead this informational website with this story because I think it really hits home about how relationship violence impacts a person and impacts a family. If Susan had stayed with her husband, more than likely her sons would grow up to be abusers just like their father. In fact, Susan commented that her husband's father abused his mother and he had to protect her. The cycle of violence will continue unless you get away. Getting away is complicated. You need a plan. You need a safe place to go. You need to be prepared with money and important documents. Most importantly, you need to escape if not for yourself, for your children.
What is violence in a relationship? Violence in a relationship occurs when there is a pattern of either abusive or coercive behaviors which are used in order for one partner to wield power and control over the other partner. There are many forms of abuse in relationships. There can be psychological, financial, emotional, sexual, or physical abuse. Abuse does not get better over time; in fact, it worsens and escalates. In Susan's case, the abuse started with controlling and jealous behavior, then moved into emotional and psychological abuse, and in the last stage became physical abuse. Abuse is a form of controlling the partner. If you are being abused and need help, here are some important numbers to get help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
En Espanol: 1-800-799-7233
Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness (650) 736-2276
Support Network for Battered Women (800) 572-2782
AACI's (Asian) Domestic Violence Program (408) 975-2739
YWCA Sexual Assault Center (650) 725-9955
Signs of an Abusive Relationship:
Do you feel afraid of your partner? Do you avoid speaking about certain topics so that you do not anger your partner? Do you feel that you cannot please your partner no matter what you do? Have you begun to feel that you deserve the treatment you are getting? Do you feel numb? Do you feel like you are stuck with no hope of escape? Do you feel helpless?
There is a lot that goes on behind closed doors that we do not know about, but if you have a friend, neighbor, co-worker, or family member that you believe may be the victim of domestic violence, h
ere are some symptoms you may see.
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Frequent "accidents"
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Absences from school or work that are frequent and sudden
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Phone calls from the partner that are harassing in nature
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Fear of the partner
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Personality changes around the partner or when speaking about the partner
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Isolation from friends and family, especially if not isolated before this relationship
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Low self-esteem, emotional, fearful
What are Your Abusive Partner's Behaviors?
Does your partner yell at you, belittle you, or humiliate you when you are alone or in front of others? Are you embarrassed to be around friends and family because of his behavior? Does he put you down? Does he blame you for everything? Is he extremely jealous and possessive? Does he have to know everywhere you go and keep track of your time? Does he limit your time with family and friends or keep you from friends and family altogether? Does he control the money and not let you have access? Does he constantly check up on you to make sure you are where you are supposed to be? Does your partner have a violent temper? Does he threaten to harm you or kill you? Does he threaten your children or threaten to take away your children? Does he harm your pets or threaten to harm your pets? Does he tell you he will commit suicide if you leave him? Does he force you to have sex? Does he destroy any of your belongings?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you are involved in an abusive relationship.
Types of Domestic Abuse:
Physical Abuse:
Physical abuse includes the use of physical force against a person in such a way that it hurts or endangers that person. These behaviors may include choking, throwing things, hitting, kicking, beating, grabbing, and pushing. Physical abuse is a crime.
Sexual Abuse:
If you are forced to have unwanted sex or sexual activity, this is sexual abuse. Sex that is forced is abuse, even if it is between spouses. Unfortunately, this type of abuse is rarely reported because of embarrassment and often because it is not taken seriously if the victim is married to the perpetrator.
Emotional Abuse:
Emotional abuse is psychological. It may involve verbal abuse, such as a partner telling you that you are nothing, yelling at you, name-calling, shaming you, humiliating you, and blaming you. Emotional abuse may involve threats of physical violence. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and the scars it leaves behind can last forever. An abuser uses this form of abuse to control you and to put you down so that you feel terrible about yourself and that you cannot live without the abuser.
Economic Abuse:
In a controlling relationship, a partner will try to keep you under his control by not allowing you any access to money. Without access to money, one may feel that they cannot leave and are hopeless to escape the abuser. Financial abuse may include withholding money from you, controlling the finances, witholding basic necessities, preventing your from working to earn your own money, forcing you to account for every penny you make, and giving you a tightly held allowance for basic necessities.
If you are in an abusive relationship, I implore you to please leave the relationship. You cannot change your abuser. You cannot love him enough that he will change. You cannot be a perfect wife and make him happy. He will not change until he decides to change, and he needs time away from you to be able to change. If you have children, do not make the mistake of raising them in this environment. Even if the abuse is not directed towards them, witnessing abuse will forever change who they are. Research shows that boys raised with fathers that abuse their mothers will become abusers, and daughters raised with fathers that abuse their mothers will become victims. I am not making this up. As crazy as that sounds, the cycle will continue unless you break it. Please gather your strength and escape the abuse.